Dungeons are a bit drab however, ranging from the “cave” environment (rock) to the stone wall texture, and are typically just hallways or large rooms with an occasional treasure chest. The game has many different environments, from forest to desert, bamboo forests, islands, (mystery island is fun), creepy foggy marshes, to a scary burnt atmosphere with smoke. The fog can get a bit old though. I am not even sure there are any monsters in the water. I doubt it.

The interesting part is that there is quite a bit of leeway in the game, where it is not always about killing (like Christmas: kill a tree, turkey, pig… human…) use a resurrect spell (mercy!) and you can go about bringing former opponents back to life. (Or, towns with dead people in them – usually. It does not work on snakes, rabbits, dodo’s etc.) Baddies will not always fight for you, sometimes they just lay around, so they might need… encouragement.

Point of note here: It is unlikely you are EVER going to find another game where Orcs climb into the same bed with a human! Some 3 -4 to a bed. Ha, ha, ha! I laughed when I saw that one. But, I can’t tell you how it happened…that would spoil the fun.

So - there is some interesting exploration in the game, and lots of finding new ways to approach a problem, or even just ‘screw around’ with the AI to get pure comedy. Monsters – I keep finding more types – each can require a different strategy, although many are often straightforward. My personal favorite has often been summoning a Golem to fight for me, and then freezing the opponent in place with a spell like Dead Hands – as a monster will freeze like a statue. It’s even a bit funny. There are any number of spells with what can only be described as having a cartoon-y outcome for a creative type.

It’s especially funny to go into a dungeon and kill a few skeletons, then resurrect them, and then watch a complete mass mayhem battle ensue… (they fight for you) keep resurrecting ones that die, and the fight can get downright huge. It’s worth going into a dungeon just to do. (If they keep coming after you, run away a bit, and they will stop. But, mummies won’t) If a fight lasts long enough, ghosts will start to show up, and then it’s really on – a 3 way. There is nothing like watching the mummies fight the skeletons. Meanwhile, all you need is some popcorn.

There is also a spell that can make opponents mad and confused, and pick a fight with buddies. This is great for getting a 3 way started too. While they fight, go get a few others nearby to lead in… heh, heh.

It’s really not a terrible game, and has a lot going for it, once you get used to it. It is also QUITE large, and well realized. Maybe the graphics are not “superb”, or the sound, or the cut-scenes. It’s not like Dragon Age, (“top shelf”) but that is a good thing – (I could not WAIT for that game to end, I found it b-o-r-i-n-g. So boring I finally just quit.) I felt like I was stuck on a train the whole trip.

Two worlds allows for a bit more imagination, like Morrowind. Where Oblivion put some real limits on players – somehow forgetting that it was a GAME, and HOW we choose to be entertained is up to US. While it seems great to try and “kill the cheats” as it were, it then becomes all about a player being obedient to the developers’ whims, and not about FUN, which is WHY WE PLAY.

FUN???? WHAT A SHOCK!!!

This game is a LOT more open-ended than that, and that is probably WHY so many like it, despite some flaws. I am all for “no cheats” in multi-player – but single player? How can you cheat yourself? Achievements are basically worthless anyway. Well, they are to me.

So, I tried again, (for lack of any other RPG to play that looked interesting) I made a bit more effort. The camera view is 3rd person with several zoom levels, and one that is “1st person” , but I am not so sure you can fight in that view. It is like Oblivion in many ways: Extensive caves, places to explore, many enemies, side quests, weapons, inventory, skills, fast travel, (horse, fast travel = teleport or portable teleport), etc. Very large in scope.

IF you can get past the camera, and the occasional LOCK UPS (HARD!!!) and stuttery disc access (like Oblivion)… it’s not too bad. Yet, in some ways it’s really more like Morrowind, due to the way battles are handled, hits and overall open ended aspect and possibilities.. Sure is a lot of crap to find, but inventory size is still limited at some point despite a character having massive strength. There are more weapons than you can imagine, more armor and armor types too. The best part is combining them with another of the same variety (to improve) or adding magic, to have better equipment. (“Combine”)

Controls by and large are decent, and there are many control based skills to learn and improve (like swimming and horse riding). Although, riding a horse is a bit like steering a crazed log downstream. Magic and melee handle well, although I have not tried archery, I imagine it is a bit like using magic bolts. There are also some smaller skills like shield use, pirouette, etc.

The voiceovers are just crap (hilariously bad!!) along with a so-so-so story. The plot/story is a very corn on ‘roids, it’s not horrible per say, it’s more of an obvious first effort and cheap (budget speaking here) as in ‘cheaply made’. The v/o bit… I mean words like: “Nay”, “prithee”, “verily”, perchance”, “mayhap”…etc. gets old early, but I suppose one can get used to it. The cut-scene animations are just tragic, really. Beyond bad.

Beyond all that, it’s really not a bad game… if you can get past the bad; and as an RPG it is quite massive in scope. If you can have fun (operative word here) then it might be for you.

There is a lot to do, and it can be quite fun. Not bad for an Xbox RPG (barring all I mentioned) with many skills to learn, many UI/inventory things to do like make potions, improve weapons, make magic weapon modifiers, create traps, magic add-on’s like permanent potions, etc. You can keep improving weapons if you find more of them (or buy them). Plus, there does not seem to be a limit on how much magic damage you can add to a weapon either. You make money by selling stuff to vendors… same deal as always.

If you kill a “monster” and are still around come nighttime, well – then you can fight their ghost too. Ever fight the ghost of a ghoul? The addition of ghosts OF dead monsters is (to me) a nice touch, I think. Just when I believe that I have seen every monster there is – another one pops his nasty little head up…. different and new. Keeps things fresh.

Typically monsters only follow you if you run past them for a little ways, and then they will break off… but, if you run a bit, then whack them somehow, they will follow for a long time. I (early on, when I was weak) liked leading them into town and watching them get all beat up. Then (of course) me rich. Bad side here is you need to be aware that you can KILL QUEST givers this way, and it is not that difficult. I lead a cyclops to a quest giver, and he lost in a bad way. Good thing I had already completed that quest.

Some quests are very near, some far, some are all about running around the map, some are just silly…. but I find this typical for RPG’s – often there are “chase the beer” side quests just because of someone’s sense of humor. Regarding travel: The portable teleports are a VERY nice touch, working underground or above ground….if you follow the quest to the end, you should have 3. The horse also helps. Because otherwise, you are walking or running wherever you go. Horses don’t like caves I hear.

The main story has been way too cornball for me to follow, and I am having too much fun beating Orcs and Groms down anyway. Granted, weaker monsters eventually become like the cliff racers in Morrowind at some point, but you don’t have to fight them – you can just run past and they will go back to whatever they were doing

All in all, this is somewhat of a ‘poor man’s’ Oblivion/Morrowind. If you want more of that, then I say go ahead, and put up with a few problems. Lots of game play for a few bucks.

It has been a fairly decent game for a measly $10.00.

And while I was thrashing all uncomfy in my bed,
Visions of painkillers danced nightmarishly in my head.
Bank account empty, and last Christmas’s crap in the garage,
Had just settled my cranium for a nice winter’s lodge.

When out in the yard there arose such a splatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore down some StyrofoamTM, and scratched an old rash.

The earplugs in my ears like rocks in a mountain
Popped out like water from a gushing fountain.
When, what to my wandering eyes should arise,
But a miniature sled, and eight tiny robot mice.

With a large robot driver, so cranky and sick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Slick.
More brainless than dumb blondes the rodents they came,
As Slick whistled, and shouted, and cursed them by name!

“Now Idiot! Now, Moron! Now, Doofus and Prickzo!
On, Retard! On, Useless! On, Worthless and Scitzo!
To the top of the trashcans! To the top of the rail!
Go a bit faster – were moving like a damn snail!”

As dry heaves grip before that final drink fly,
They met with an obstacle, and fell straight from the sky.
Tried again, past some old palm trees they bobbled,
The sled full of tommorow’s trash, & St. Slick-olas, they wobbled.

And then, in a sprinkling, I felt from the roof
The leaking and then scraping of a little robot hoof.
As I turned my head, turning quite rash,
Down the rain gutter Slick-olas came with a loud crash

He was dressed all in mouse fur, from his head to his foot,
Static and hairy, tarnished with dirt, robot mouse poop and soot.
A bundle of crap he had flung on his large back,
And he looked like a pedo-fi-ler, just scratching his sack.

Mechanical eyes-how they wrinkled! Techno dimples, how scary!
Fake cheeks like sponges, clown nose like a mashed berry!
His dull little mouth was drawn up in a sneer,
The beard on his chin was as white as frothed beer.

The stump of a pipe he crunched down tight in his teeth,
The smoke clawed at his head like a large beast.
He had a severe face and a hydraulic belly,
A reward for too much oil, corn sugar and telly!

He was all red and clanky, a right mechanical old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of an eye and a wag of a large finger,
Soon gave me to know I had better not linger.

Yet he said not a word, but went straight to some work,
And filled all the wet socks, then turned with a smirk.
And laying a finger alongside of his broken nose,
Then giving a nod, up into the sky he rose!

He wiggled into the sled, to his team gave a loud screech,
And away they all flew like sand from a beach.
Yet I heard him exclaim, as he escaped from my lair,
“Good luck you dumb bastard, have a nice painkiller nightmare!”

Movies are passive, so in some ways they can be forgiven for this, as there is but one path the hero may go after all – and you only have about an hour and a half. (Probably because it typically about making money – not advancing society)

Games are not in this category at all. Games have the opportunity for the player to explore issues and ideas, concepts and directions that we might not otherwise experience in our life or in society. The problem is, even with many quests or story lines, it is often just a rat run (like the movie or book) without any real consequences for the player to deal with, as in real life.

In a game – we (usually) cannot eliminate any individuals that have importance, like quest givers – because this breaks the game. But in real life, if we screw up Yale, there is always university or even community college. In this way, games could use an overseeing “A.I.” to (not unlike left4dead) watch the open-ended game play and our choices and then decide just how tricky (or whatever) we really are. And, maybe to alter quest lines or givers to some extent.

Consequences are what can make a game exciting, really. If you attack the bad guy, he attacks back. Or if you fall off of a cliff you are dead. Or take the ‘good guy path’ and find the bad guys hunting you down throughout the game.

Being able to explore consequence is fun, because we get to see and learn without hurting anyone who is real. Granted, there will always be someone who is sadistic in real life, but they might have been that anyway – and at least they are doing it in a game instead. Otherwise, they will probably experience some serious consequences, like prison or being shot by someone angry.

Consequence can be like a live action psychology class – we can try different ideas and concepts, and see how they play out. In a game, maybe it might also be second hand learning, or from a distance – but it is also a way to see the results of say, ‘getting hit by the car without actually spending 6 months in the hospital’ too.

When we play Halo, part of what is dull and a drag is that we really make very few choices, because the story is being TOLD to us. It’s practically a book/movie, and we are on a train to the end. Open ended maps have gone some distance to alleviate this, but other than battle choices and ‘when’ we go through ‘what’ door, that’s about it. And, that’s what makes it become dull.

Even pounding the turkey stuffing out of a bad guy gets boring after awhile. Not unlike “God mode” – which gets dull fast because there is simply NO challenge left. Challenge has always been dictated by difficulty level, that is: How much pain the AI can give or take. Challenge has not been about making the best choices, which is where real life kicks in. Want a lot of money? Make some of the painful sacrifices! (granted – it not always that way – but it is for many – and, just an example anyway)

In real life – there is consequence. It’s what directs the pleasure and the pain, as our choice dictated the outcome. In that consequence there was challenge, not because it was merely difficult, but because the choice often required some traded loss for the gain. Maybe I traded a broken shoulder to finally learn how to do that skateboard trick. Or traded cash for that ice cream.

Where game builders have been focusing on story (which is good)… and voiceover quality (also good – I played Two Worlds demo recently – UGH!) consequence is fairly new territory. Not just choice in the story – but any choice. Overarching choice. Many games after all have quests you cannot break, because the characters (like quest givers) are invincible. This is a potential exploit for me – I lead some monsters their way, and get rich when they pound them, as I collect the stuff and sell it. There is consequence for the monster, (the bot) but none for me, you see. But it is also fun, for awhile.

I recall a game called Driver (the first one) long ago. Although it was good, and fun, and had some consequence as a mainstay (do wrong – get chased by cops) I always felt it never went far enough. I mean, at some level in real life there would have been helicopters, news copters and police shooting at me, really.

Consequence can be rewarding, contentment filled, disappointing or even punishing. It’s the difference between getting married for love or simply hanging out with someone for some sex. Consequence is the small reward in the short run, the huge one in the long run, and the way the story played out. It is also believing in what we thought was the best choice and STILL having it all go so very wrong – leaving us with a feeling that our supposedly ‘good’ choices can actually be quite stupid. It’s the final say in life, the overarching commentary on our choices, and the happiness or regret we will long be living with.

The problem of course, is the fine line of consequence and FUN. Realism and fun have always been at odds. Some folks insist that ‘those physics are not real!’ (yeah – because they are cartoon physics from Hollywood – as in: Real people don’t fly when you shoot them, they fall down dead!) But any discussion always loops back to what is FUN, and that is something that can be easy to forget, and what element older games often have that newer ones often lack.

I am all for making games in such a way that we are encouraged to learn and explore ourselves in a larger way, grasp a better psychology of ourselves and others in a better way, get greater comprehension of people, actions, and what makes what tick. Games could be a great way to learn without making all of the dumb mistakes involved in real life to get at the information. And, lets face it – many of us are “learn it ourselves the hard way” types anyway – as reading some dull, creaky tome (by someone who has been there already) won’t always do it for us.

Maybe there will be a day where more knowledge is imparted this way – because we could certainly all become a bit better socially adjusted if we knew that mean comment (example!) will definitively cause a certain someone to beat the freaking turkey stuffing out of us (or even just hate us!) without actually having to live through it.

Such as: It is a very ‘old school’ single player party RPG.

It is also what I might call – for the hardcore, as it requires increasingly more effort as the game continues, even on “easy mode”. When the bosses start to arrive, well – be prepared for 1/2 hour or greater fights that will challenge you, whether on ‘easy mode’ or not. It is still good, although, initially, it seemed pretty dull (to me) on “easy mode”….as in WAY too easy. Like, painfully dull, easy. But, it got harder, I assure you. At some point, even some minor bosses were giving me grief.

Out of (an early play estimate – as I didn’t check after that) 34 hours, 28 of them initially seemed to have been staring at cut scenes (well, maybe not, but it sure seemed that way!). Granted, you can skip by some stuff, and get “straight to the pounding”, but will probably miss important info (like WHY you are talking) and any further rewards, quests, etc. But that was very early.

The cut scenes are often forced, and forced perspective “conversational” type. I believe this (the cut scenes) is WHY the game took so long to make, but the actual amount of game play remains (to me anyway) debatable. Many cut scenes are also forced into being when you encounter someone due to the game’s design. So, even more hours of game play get chewed through by the ‘crack infected squirrel’. (*sigh*!) Suffice to say – it is (play wise, feel, etc.) very similar to Mass Effect in many ways, just with an butt-ton of cut scenes. But, typical maps to explore remain a bit linear, with one path through, basically, to the end, even if you can chose other cities to go to whenever.

Add the micromanagement of every detail of your party, making healing potions, traps, poisons, adding runes to weapons, leveling up party members, changing gear… and at some point…it’s a bit over the top. I will add here that you can also pre-program your character (and all party members) to behave tactically in battle specific ways, and you can customize that too. Or, you can easily switch to them and fight using that character. When switching to them they often say “What?”, “Again?”, “*SIGH!*”, etc.

Resolving quests is not so simple as making a ‘black & white’ choice – on one – I decided to go get help, which of course opened up another massive can of worms. I should have just done “x” and left. Suffice to say – all the cut scenes and running back and forth for crap + micro side quests (which can make you feel like someones “errand boy”, sometimes) were getting old and boring. I was (early on) just about ready to quit out of boredom! When was something going to happen? SOMETHING INTERESTING?

Maybe it was because of the “set up” in the story, which although good, smacks a bit of Tolkien in a Steven King train wreck of needless, excessive exposition and detail. Or, maybe it was because so many of the dungeons were so derivative, typical and therefore perceived (by me) as ‘lame’. Note: One potential member of my ‘crew’ – (minor spoiler here) well, he tried to assassinate me (and the crew) so, I killed him. Later I realized he was a potential “joiner”. Whups.

Although – in some ways I like that – choices have consequences.

In an area called the fade, the Game Dev’s at least branched away for a bit, and offered the lone player (no party!) a chance to play multiple characters that were different: like an arcane horror, burning man, a stone Golem and even a mouse. Although, the ogre seems to know you are a fake mouse from far off, it was still novel, and had puzzles, and there are more than one puzzle in the game. I really preferred the Golem, and proceeded to punch the monkey stuffing out of any Ogre that got near me with maybe a bit too much glee. Muah ha ha ha ha!

The monsters – well, there are a great many in terms of variety, and there seems nearly always something new. I don’t mean as in different from the usual “Zombie, monster, demon, terrorist,etc.” (no Nazis, thankfully!) I mean new as in ‘amount of’. Granted, I had just played Fable 2, and had battled werewolves, but not talking ones. Made it more interesting somehow, but the Darkspawn seemed dull to me. By the time I got to the Deep roads, everything looked alike to me, and when Big bosses arrived – I was done, and B-O-R-E-D. Yes, capital letters.

Sidebar:
In one area – I encountered some types that wanted me to die or cut a deal (a reoccurring theme here) and I pounded at them right away, but the game insisted I could not win, no matter how close to that I was, my team always died, suddenly. So…I was forced into the damn conversation. (I’m sorry – If I cannot win, why offer it again? That’s just stupid. Aren’t we done with the whole “learn via endless failure bit” in games???!!!) Well – enough on that.

Again, it’s a very long story, many side quests, and you simply cannot finish this in a few days. I liked the Elven quests the best, although I am not sure why. All the maps are very linear, as is the game play in many respects, but at the end (or backtrack to the beginning) you are free to go where (to an open map anyway) that you wish. I played a Warrior, and had another warrior, and two mages… which meant that any nice treasure chests I found could not be opened. But, if I brought a rogue, well then she required USE of the contents (often arrows) just to survive….which sort of mooted the whole point of looting for me.

Money seems impossible to come by in this game, and I had a difficult time amassing any real amount. An archer will ALWAYS be poor I found early on, because arrows cost large amounts of cash (even party members run out of them, & swords don’t USE ammo). There is special armor and weapons available at various merchants to buy – but you will find plenty of stuff on quests that is as good or better, although – it won’t have much gold value, but it will often be better quality wise.

In camp – you can sell stuff to the Dwarve, and he will actually keep it, which was nice because I had no way to store stuff I might want someday, again. His son also enchants items, something I never found – as in: anyone else who could. Merchants are around as you wander, if you get weighed down – but backpacks cost money (extra space = gold loss) as do tomes of “skill”. Plus, by doing specific quests, you can gain specialized skills.

I suppose before I clock out here I should mention that the voice over quality is very good, and there are many voices you will instantly recognize, whether from TV, movie or anime. Cowboy Bebop’s Spike Spiegel, (Steven Jay Blum), Star Trek’s Tuvok (Tim Russ) and many others. If they are not those people, they sure did a great job of imitation. In the graphics dept. – it’s a bit lacking on the 360, (still, not enough to matter much) although the sound is very good.

Conclusion
All in all it was fun, (though tedious and draggy at times due to the sheer chattyness of characters determined to tell you their life stories) I still found the game somewhat obsessive, playable and fun, if not REALLY long. But, I have also played Morrowind, Oblivion, Fallout, Fable (1 & 2)…. so, I suppose in some way I liked it… mostly. This was the first “party based” RPG though.

First off, one can easily see where “Call of Duty” came from as a franchise. There are a number of frustrating levels in the game, that thankfully were cut as ideas as they made sequels. Cheating spawning bots (right in front of you) are still there though, but far more in this PC ported version by Aspyr. Spawning grenades were not, though. Obviously some moron in marketing came up with that idea, and they have stuck with it like it was glued to their ear. God forbid you stand somewhere for 1/20th of a second! The game, as a throwback ‘to the old days’ is fun nonetheless, so I did enjoy most of it…but some I did not, and irritation is simply not the word I would implement here. Of course, it’s basically a straight port…so, no vibration on the controller, and, much of my “not liking this” falls therefore on deaf ears. Oh well.

My complaints are:
•car level. (try to survive!)
•truck level (same, only worse!)
•truck level (part 2… which leads to… >>>plane level)
•tank level – the Russian tank handles like a real Russian WWII tank! I mean – it is nearly impossible to steer.
•plane level (it’s just the same old boring “artificial game play” – the player MUST keep doing it until they ‘finally succeed at a level that cheats’, and there is no leaving until you do. Games have always been that way, and obviously no WELL DESERVED public beatings have been handed out to the dumb%^$# who came up with that lame-as-all-#&^%ing-#$@& idea. Note: It helps to quit and come back later when you are NOT shouting. Seriously – 1 year of having said implementer’s nuts kicked from Australia to the USA and then the moon through their posterior would barely be a start as a method of rectifying this as a design flaw in SO many games. Plus,I am sure many gamers would love to see the video, or even pay for live coverage. But, I’m probably just bitter.

The truck level, plane level – and several others – well, they are a bit tough for the average player even on ‘easy’ mode, and gets as tiresome as being beaten on with a hammer to the skull. By the time I got through them, I just wanted the whole thing to end, end, end.

My biggest complaint:
I downloaded the DEMO, and played that to the END. So, then I quit and downloaded the game from sheer boredom. But – I had to REplay ALL that crap over again!!! No save file. Gak! So…I quit around 2am, and went to bed.

GUESS WHAT? IT DIDN’T SAVE A SINGLE LEVEL, even though I got achievements!!!! WTH??? Start over!!!!

Then I was pissed – and just put it on ‘easy’ (a good move really, because it got a LOT harder!!!) But, I did it because I was pissed off, and felt like I had been forced to run the stupid rat maze 3 times (which I HAD!!!).

Achievements are fairly easy to get, however. Several you can get on the very first level. Shooting is precise though, and for awhile – there is fun to be had, in the tradition of “Medal of Honor” (Playstation). It runs fairly smooth, although plays a bit like something from N64 or maybe Ps1 in overall “feel”. The game play isn’t bad per say, and Nazi’s go down pretty quick, although health packs are increasingly difficult to find in hardest, (final) levels. Add that there is a “lean” ability as well as ‘crouch’ and ‘go prone’ which does add to game play somewhat, and added control over some battles. In some levels this does not matter much, as the enemy magically knows that YOU are the only one that matters, and will focus on you exclusively, even shooting pointlessly at the wall with a mounted machine gun. (HOW uncommon!!!) At least tanks go down with (typically) with one shot from a panzerfaust. Teammate AI isn’t bad, although they do dumb stuff ‘occasionally.’

It is nice to take a trip down memory lane, as this is a game (COD 1) I had not played. But – I would say it is probably a bit overpriced, something MS typically does – by at least $5.00, maybe $10.00. I mean, really – it’s bargain bin stuff for $1.00 on the PC – let’s get real about this. Sorry MS – but you are slowly going the SONY route, and finding new scams to shake cash out of us, and not offer us completely acceptable value for the money we cheerfully, brainlessly hand over. It’s a historic, wrinkled, decrepit, rat run (get the cheese!!!) and then you are done, and that’s it. Sure – there is ancient, creaky multiplayer – but who cares?

(sing to: Impossible Dream)

To kill the un-killable bot
To win that unbeatable foe
To empty a clip in it’s skull yet it dies not
To die from a cheating bots blow

Tis wrong, undeniable wrong
To let devs’ rub salt into a sore
To try when your thumbs are so weary
To reach the unreachable score

This is my quest, to follow that score
No matter how hopeless, no matter what a bore
To be willing to give when there’s no more to give
To be willing to die so AI illusion may live

And I know if I’ll only be true to this glorious quest
That my heart will seize painfully, and I’ll be laid to rest

And the world, so bored by my plight
That bots spawn and kill out of sight
Still I tried with all of my might
To kill the un-killable bot

O Cheating Bot! O Cheating Bot!
Thy ways are so unchanging;
O Cheating Bot! O Cheating Bot!
Your ways are so unchanging;
Always spawning when we look away,
Then gun us down when we try to toss a ‘nade.
O Cheating Bot! O Cheating Bot!
Thy ways are so unchanging!

O Cheating Bot! O Cheating Bot!
Much pleasure thou can’st give me;
O Cheating Bot! O Cheating Bot!
Much pleasure thou hast giv’n me;
Shoot us through a rock or maybe tree,
But speed flee when we find you out.
With invisible armor no one knew about
You cheating bastards will someday pay!

O Cheating Bot! O Cheating Bot!
Your grenades explode so brightly;
O Cheating Bot! O Cheating Bot!
You shout insults so mightily;
When we’re winning you start to cheat;
Then brag’st about our foolish defeat.
Mock and yell about our lack of skill
When we know your programming is really ill!

O Cheating Bot! O Cheating Bot!
How game Dev’s have mocked me!
O Cheating Bot! O Cheating Bot!
How game gods have decked me;
Of ‘Quality’ your maker takes a stand;
Though the game may be somewhat bland.
But we know at the end of every deal;
Your ‘maker’ sold out for a stale happy meal!

But. Before you think I am ‘nuts’… bear with me – I do have some good things to say. at the end of my long rant.

So. If you are up for gunning down bad guys without any real explanation – and like to level up, and have a fat juicy carrot held out in front of you that you will never, ever get – then this is YOUR game.

“Spoiler alert” (The bad)
I have 1 spoiler here – and you won’t like it…but only one. And I will tell it to you now – THERE IS NO PLOT. The vault does not exist, so don’t get pissed when you don’t find it. It’s just a big stupid boss, and he is easy to kill, Especially if you find the glitch. Then the dumb credits roll. “Angel” was all BS from a satellite….

The credits reveal Randy Pitchford as a part of the writing team, which does not at all surprise me – because here is yet another hyped up suckfest game – I feel so much like going to Texas and giving him a piece of his mind. Because the writing SUCKED HORSES!!!!

HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!

Plot – In a nutshell: (the Ugly)
Mysterious “guardian angel’ contacts you, and tells you about treasure, “the vault” and guides you (minimally) throughout game. You must fight your way thru various baddies and bosses to reach the vault. BUT. The plot is so thin and minute, you can hardly recognize one exists at all…. yet the pace does pick up quite a bit towards the end of the game, as disappointing though it is.

Wow. Must have wrote that on a napkin in a coffee shop as a “note to self”. As It is certainly difficult to accept more than 7 writers actually worked on this slop.

Playing the game, in a nutshell
1) Find ever more guns, then mow down ‘bad guys’ (anyone not you!)
2) Find ‘treasure’ chests everywhere filled with “loot” (READ: MORE guns & money… which basically equals more guns, as you can purchase more via machines, a-la Bioshock) You will find more than you ever buy…so, the money is a red herring…. and another time waster.
3) Shoot. Level up. Kill more bad guys. Kill a boss. Wash, rinse repeat.
4) And…..wash, rinse repeat some more…or, until threadbare (about two hours!!!)
5) ARE YOU Still playing? You realize there are only 7 guns, don’t you? The variations are actually minor – and only the stats, looks and effects change a little. “7 bazillion” my posterior!!! Try 7!!!

With few modifications… What you will really find is a few leveled guns you really like, and a mountain of other guns that massively SUCK or are average, which you will sell or toss, eating up what little game play time you have. And, it will chew through that game time like a fearsome mix of a crack infested piraña and a over caffeinated squirrel.

The math?
‘X’ x ‘Y’ permutations might WORK OUT mathematically to ’7 billion’ (or whatever) but, in reality – you will be hard pressed to find more than 5 you will actually want to keep or even USE. And even those will become crap eventually, because you keep leveling up. The same stuff over and over, with different stats. I have probably seen about 1,000 guns…so I know.

Just keep telling yourself “it’s not a %$#-%$#@ BUG!!! It’s a feature! And you will be fine, and have a very enjoyable experience.

Plus – it’s co-op. Don’t let me ruin it.

END of “Spoiler alert”
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Problem:
There is no damn off switch or any options at all here. You must perform quests if you want to see any other arena beyond the first one. You must also do quests because you just keep leveling up – and eventually, there will be no one to battle that will offer any challenge at all. Outside of DLC that is. Sure – you can go online and let someone else do all that…but that is sort of the same thing, really. Just passing on responsibility.

It’s bad enough to not have ANY interface/HUD control… that is always a game developer SIN. But to not offer any sliding button or clickable (difficulty!!!) that offers more challenge? For shame. If Oblivion can do it, why can’t YOU?

Essentially, it appears that everyone and their monkey has a badlands/Max Max theme ‘wasteland’ game out now, (or will soon) ‘with vaults’. Somehow, I get the impression that they all swap ideas at E3 or some coffee shop like cartoonists… and then copy each other until the cows go home.

What? Are developers fresh out of Kung fu slinging nazi alien demonic zombies???

The Good.
Alrighty then. That’s as much bad stuff as I can think of, (and really probably encompasses every game I have ever played in some respect) so I will get to the good stuff. Short.. .but sweet.

Truth is…I am still playing this damn game. Flaws or no flaws, it’s still as addictive as crack, and I find it fun. I have played his game solo, 2 player co-op and 4 player co-op (although, many matches/hosts seem to kick me out…WTH?) Why not have a single player game or “friends only’ match? Why be a jerk?)

There is LOTS of selfishness in this game – and people running like greedy children for the stuff and not sharing. FINE.

But the way I combat that is to take a bunch of great stuff that various characters *might* want into a game with me – and give it away … and they feel that they must reciprocate. So… they are not so selfish if you are very generous.

In the end – flaws or whatever …if a game is fun for us we will play it… no matter the ‘rating’ some crap sell out website gives it. It’s not about the looks.. .it is about game play – but mostly – THE FUN.

First off – this game is TYPICAL COD…and how. Some levels are far better than others. I mean to say… although they are still overly ‘videogamey’ – they are not bad (first level ok, but I died right off…which set an early precedent, BTW). And that was dying and NOT KNOWING WHY OR HOW. But hey – it’s COD, and I am used to that crap.

It beats that fricking pattern to death, the poor freaking horse just prays to god it will SOMEDAY PLEASE end. Other than that, it started off ok, traveling along in a city and getting attacked by whoever (insert: faceless demonized enemy of today = terrorist), and having to abandon vehicles after getting ambushed and shot through the walls, and the guy on the stairway…which of course is ALL designed to set up the ‘massive action’ feel. Oh brother.

The problem:
One thing I hate (and many others do too) about some videogames is a lack of choices – and being forced to experience something the WAY someone decides I need to. At that point it becomes a rail car trip, and developers can talk “choices” and “sandbox” and anything else – but you know everything is predefined and you will be seriously punished for going outside the Iron curtain. COD: MW2 is THAT game.

I mean to say: Any game is hardly a real GAME if the rules are enforced by a ‘dungeonmaster’ that seems intent on changing them on a whim like a child.

So. The music is just one example – no option to turn it off. It might add something as an action movie feel – but REAL life has no soundtrack. It’s exactly like the sound in movies of the spaceship in space. There is no atmosphere… so…how is it making sound again???

COD: Modern Warfare 2 does this sort of thing a lot, and always has (all COD’s) – it’s irritating, and as long as you remember you are on rails and its all running down the predefined no exit corridor for the mouse cheese, you will be fine. That and a healthy dose of cheating bots that spawn and assault you from every angle to ‘keep up the intensity’. Did I forget spawning grenades if you stand in one spot for 2 seconds?

Endlessly dying because developers are OBVIOUSLY cheating is NOT fun. In fact, it makes you want to throw the disc against the wall, over and over and over and over. Maybe a few kicks to the nuts of the person responsible for that dumb-ass idea would be exciting too. At least it would be for me. Now where did I put that genie and that lamp…?

At some point, it was onto a snow level where it was a bit novel for awhile…climbing up the side of the ice flow and then of course, the typical videogame leap where you ALWAYS MISS and the other guy MUST help you up. They beat that drum to death too, many times. Darn near broke it.

So, then a sneaky silent infiltrate mission… and that was cool, had a heartbeat monitor (ripped off from ‘Aliens’, BTW…a cliche. What a shock.) and shot bad guys thru the blinding snow. Eventually – major firefight, and a snowmobile chase, which was also very videogamey (and SO ripped off from TWINE and NOLF).

Then a typical ‘chase the guy’ level through some crappy town…so LAME! It was so empty and boring – it is quite OBVIOUS that they just tuna can crammed it full of enemies because it was so freaking dull and generic. Yet, playable in spec-ops co-op. Wow, lame 2x! But, they did that several times this game. Guess they are running out of ideas. *cough*

Eventually, there were other levels that are were far more interesting…lets say the story is WAY better than the gameplay. Assault on a oil rig was done last game, (again here) and then (SPOILER!!!) the USA was attacked by the Russians….which changed the story quite a bit …but, the game was still ‘push to point x or bots keep respawning’ and ‘bot onslaught’. VERY COD. (What, no zombies? Got the lame AI for it!)

I am not saying it is not fun, and many moments are not good – they are. But many REALLY pissed me off because they felt like such %#$@ %$#@ing!!!! cheats. I finished a firefight in the capitol building…. which felt very typical to me except for surroundings. The prison battle was decent too… but basically the same fight… but…well, I already said that. There have also been some moments from last game…sorta. Like a laptop predator controller (overhead missile drop). And a Stryker (a mobile gun platform that you follow and direct) and, don’t bother using your own gun. Reminds me of that C-41 gunship…

It has its moments..but developers have screwed some things up while improving others. Like the ‘health hud’ is gone – it’s all blood splatter on your faceplate/helmet.

So. lets review:
Good: no big cluttered screen blocking I-can’t-see-a-crap-thing HUD.
Bad: it gets harder to see as things get worse, so your chances of surviving keep dropping. The blood spatter feels like a %$#@ cheat. But, this is COD.

This is an action movie/game – which has a very “our script/movie OD’d on meth, and we put meth in yer popcorn’ vibe. And, it’s very ‘transformers’…in the sense that even breakfast toast, apples, cups, plates, cats, ice cream, etc. explode, (well, except for chickens) according to the script. Maybe I exaggerate.

There are several levels where they ask you about the violence…and one – is is WAY over the top… I am surprised it made it in. Basically, you are playing as one of a terrorists – (SPOILER!!) and walking through an airport mercilessly killing everyone – and and they are helpless. For a game…it is a bit stunning…and although no one is real…I really didn’t want to participate – but you are forced at some point. It was a bit TOO real for my tastes. I am not sure how I feel even now. Repulsed. Shocked. Not massively…it’s a game. But…disturbed for sure.

As stories go – they got this one right, even though this is a continuation from the last game (part 2 of the story). It feels like a good book. It’s very engaging, and sucks you in right away. They still need to refine the gameplay though…I am sure it will stay ‘bot onslaught/we have no real AI’ pablum for a long time.

Well – that’s the bad stuff. If developers could manage to get their head out of their keisters and dump that lameness – it would be an awesome game. But – we all know 85% of game budget is ONLY for advertising and BS hype – and just a microscopically miniscule portion is actually spent on making the game.

The good stuff:
That all said – it’s not a bad game, and I would give it high marks (like a 10!) if not for the damn cheating bots and spawning grenades. The rest of the game is actually very good, with novelty (and some cliche’s and near cliche’s). Action moments are exciting, and the story is PROBABLY the BEST I have ever seen in a videogame.

So. I would give the game a 7…but that is only because the bad stuff drags down an awesome story. Had it not been for the suck, it would get a 10 easy. Previous COD: Modern Warfare seemed ok, but it (game and story) lacked a bit of focus…the gameplay wasn’t bad…and the story was good…but it didn’t make me stand up and go “wow”. This one had a story that did…I am impressed, and that is tough to do. And the gameplay wasn’t as crappy as previous COD’s anyway. Close, but a distant 3rd.

I am not saying there are not a lot of cliche’s in the story too. There are. But – I have yet to see much original stuff anymore.

So far – I have been speaking of singleplayer…and nothing else.

Add 2 player co-op.
Co-op is comprised of “special ops” translating to various short missions that are ALL TIMED (another thing I hate) and gives you stars if you finish within a certain amount of time – 3 stars and you open another set of missions up. Some are from single player missions in this game, some are from the previous one (“ghillies in the mist” – example) and many are just the same old assault of the massive spawning bots with spawning grenades. Some are actually fun….I played several. Whether snowmobile racing or trying to get across a bridge – many are fun. Guarding your teammate from the sky is fun….but the fact that you ALWAYS have a deadline on your neck is not. What? The guy in the helicopter can’t spare another 3 seconds for me to make it to the ladder? Or maybe developers need to spawn more bots on the roof that clearly WERE NOT there….but it “adds to the excitement’…and the “challenge” and more lame crap like that. Where is the manager? I want to give him a piece of his mind.

Well! Action just like in real life!!! Or maybe just mediocre arcade.

Multiplayer – The rest:
I left that to someone else to review, as I no longer care for the workout in deathmatch that every game seems to requires… so, a friend of mine has left with a few tidbits of deathmatch info, opinion and review

I’ve been playing team death-match of COD Modern Warfare 2, and the more I play it the more I see it’s just Modern Warfare 1 with a little virtual ‘paint’ slapped on.

The Good:
* Graphics are bar none the best I’ve seen in an on-line shooter.
* Sound effects are great. Weapons and explosions are beefy and realistic.
* Character movements are impressive and realistic, you can sprint, crouch, go prone, and climb up and over most obstacles and going up a ladder doesn’t take a
separate button push, just tilt the controller stick up.
* Special effects are very impressive! Smoke, explosions, motion/vision blur, and being blinded with flash-bangs appear real.
* Physics are impressive, but limited as body ‘rag-doll’ physics are realistic, and some items move and are destructible, however compared to Bad Company’s
walls that blow up COD physics is becoming dated.
* The weapons class setup and ‘perks’ is all very nice, especially allowing fallen weapons to be picked up and choices of different weapons during a match before re-spawn.
* I really enjoyed quick notes during the match that informed me that I just earned an award or if I got a ‘payback’ for someone who killed me before, and after a kill streak that I now had ability to start UAV, or other team perks.
* It’s nice to have a small on-screen map to show an overview of streets/routes teammates and enemy (when UAV is on-line).
* Sniper rifle zoom is impressive, and sway is not too bad since you can steady aim with pushing down the controller stick.
* Multiplayer maps are well thought out, with plenty of vulnerabilities and angles balanced for all players, without allowing any spots that allow too much control over the map.

The bad:
* My #1 complaint of COD’s on-line play is no way to tell your connection speed or to filter so you only join games with good ‘ping’.
* On-line games have disconnected me and I experience major ‘lag’ (screen images jerky, out of sync, dropping frames) in some matches every time I’ve played.
Fix the net code and upgrade the servers and end the suffering!
* COD rewards players by giving them weapon upgrades and ‘perks’ so this sort of makes it unfair for players in the same on-line game if they don’t have the same upgrades (not a level playing field). (Ed.: actually, there are rewards for those folks that do poorly)
* Why, or why can’t the COD character lean out from behind cover??? What solider puts his entire body out of cover to shoot at enemy? This is really annoying to me.
* Some in-game items can be climbed upon and others the same height can’t. This has got me killed several times trying to guess what crate I can climb up on and which one I can’t (picture a solider jumping and jumping in front of a crate before you shoot him).
* HUD you can not turn off! There is nothing more annoying that to have a floating whatever block your view of an enemy, who kills you because your teammates name blocked your view. I would love to have the option to tap a button to make the HUD appear and disappear, or at least make it more opaque, or better yet, have the developers come up with some other way to tell teammates and enemy apart (reticule color change works well) without a floating name.
* Idiot teammates who yack and squawk all through a game and you can’t turn them off.
* Spawning too close to enemy. WTF?? Nothing like being killed, then re-spawning right in front of someone to make you feel cheated.
* Sniper rifle breath hold is too short. Unless the player has been running, there is no reason they could only hold breath for five seconds, yet this is what you get in COD. The sniper rifle already has limitations over other guns, so this breath holding gets annoying fast.
* Old maps in a new game. When I buy a new game I expect new multiplayer maps, yet COD keeps giving players the same maps, only they are slightly altered. This is an advantage to the long-time multiplayer, but for the new player they are at a disadvantage. One or two ‘old’ classic/favorite maps that have been ‘revamped’ is fine, but when most of the maps are ‘same ol’, same ol’ I feel ripped off for the price of a new game.